Two major things I remembered today!

1) under eye concealer! Very major need for any mum.

2) do not place buggy/trolley near the eggs in the supermarket.

Tippetty Snippets

I haven't done my tips for a while! Here's a few briefly, I feel terrible today, some kind of cold which makes me ache ALL OVER... You will learn, by the way, that even if all you want to do is curl up and die in a duvet, or hurl and hurl and hurl into a bucket, now you're a parent you can only do this with an innocent-eyed, demanding little onlooker, who, if they feel really sorry for you, might not cry too much.

Anyway...

• Always have clothes that don't need ironing. If they are patterned or orange to hide "patches" and staining, all the better.
• Don't take your eyes off them for a second. And if you do decide you need privacy in the toilet, accept the fact that when you emerge there may be a big yellow bruise to feel guilty about.
• The hoover is your friend. It feels like you never have time to use it, but when you do drag it out, give the buggy/high chair/walker a once over, you'd be surprised...
• It sounds stupid, but don't forget to eat. I mean REAL food.
• Don't be afraid to ask the doctor, they're nice to new mums usually, and you need to be well to look after a little 'un.
• Chances are your offspring has so many toys that some get left at the bottom of the box, while they get bored of others. How about a rotation system? (good for cats too :) )
• Fitted sheets are so much easier for cots. But flat sheets for travel cots.
• I don't know why I ever bothered with fabric bibs! Pelican all the way.
• I may have said this already, being the tight-arse that I am... but if they outgrow a favourite babygro, you can snip off the arms and legs to make a romper! And if you're reeeally crafty, make a matching teddy with the offcuts!
• Keep an eye out in sales for things which you always seem to need: vests, socks, hats, bibs.

And take note that they don't always nap as long as you think, even when they are ill and CLEARLY need it... off I go...

Is that a crap?

Just like all kinds of other things which you never really paid attention to before, suddenly these become a daily/ hourly issue and something which seems perfectly acceptable to discuss over coffee, lunch, in the supermarket queue…

When we brought the Duck back from hospital for the first time, we showed her around her house and cuddled her lots, and were so relieved to be out of that place of horror… We relaxed, had real cups of tea, sat on our sofa while she kipped in her Moses basket… and everything was right with the world. Then, during a late night nappy change (which of course involved both of us as it always did back then) panic set in.  What was this in her nappy?  It was so unrecognisable to us that we totally freaked out, this is what happens to their bums?? Holy crap! And as if we weren’t shocked enough, the Duck chose this uncovered bum moment to properly “let rip”, covering the changing mat, floor, and opposite wall in, well, stuff. I’m not sure I could even call it crap. I think I actually screamed. My other half gagged. And then I went into the predictable “Oh my god my baby is going to die, what’s wrong with her? What if she dehydrates and has to go to hospital and gets really ill? Oh my god oh my god!! I don’t know what to do aaaahhhhhhh waaaaaaaa” MELTDOWN.

Ring Mum. Ring friend with baby. Should we go to hospital? All the books say diarrhoea is dangerous for a new baby. So does the all-knowing internet. I’m pretty sure she might die. We’ve killed her.

So that was our first sleepless night. Not because the baby didn’t sleep, but because she did an almighty shit.

The next morning the midwife explained this was entirely normal with the first few days of breastmilk. (Really?? ) Oh right.

You still inspect pretty much every nappy though. There’s a chart for the first few too you know, although how you can chart this muck is a mystery to me.  Basically every nappy is a lucky dip.  We knew one dad who liked to challenge himself by sticking a finger in the side to check if his daughter needed changing… BRAVE…and nuts? 

Some days they poop lots, some days they don’t poop at all, some are squishy, some are not… You start using them as an indicator of health, as a hint of what to change in their diet. It is so bizarre.  You will never look at a crap in the same way. And this is waaayyyy before the potty training even starts…. Oh man….

Baps

Well, they do a lot more than they ever did before.  Their ridiculous enlarging might be your first clue that you’re up the duff, in fact.  That might be cool, depending on how difficult they were to manage in the first place, but stretch marks in that area and changing colour nipples are sooooo not cool. Let alone when they start leaking months ahead of schedule and give you a heart attack when you get out of the shower.  Kind of petrifying, when one minute you’re holding a stick you’ve just peed on indicating your whole life is going to change forever, the next you are actually lactating, Christ!

As I’ve said before, breastfeeding is so lovely and a gorgeous bonding time, and totally natural. BUT, there is nothing wrong with not doing it. Or if things go awry and you need to stop before you intended. It’s not worth any guilt or regret or stress (you may tell yourself this often, Nic) but it’s normal to feel a bit of all that.  This blog post:

http://www.mummycentral.com/2011/04/29/trying-my-breast/

said brilliantly exactly how I felt. 

1. A failure.

2. Pathetic that my massive boobs couldn’t do exactly what they were made for.

and 

3. Confused that professionals and the press dictated that an exhausted, sobbing mother feeding her starving and screaming child blood, scabs and nipple cream was better than a calm, happy mum feeding her contented, comfortable baby plentiful, nourishing milk. 

 Nuff said. Maybe too much information but it’s so true. Remember this.

Back to the humour of baps. Guess what size your boobs are? You will be truly shocked when you get them measured once you have finished with the “non-wired”  droop-encouraging monstrosities you are encouraged to wear during pregnancy and breastfeeding…  And you can get…..wait for it…PROPER BRAs once again! Woo hoo! Real support! And pretty too perhaps… try to convince your lovely bloke to pay for your new over-the-shouler-boulder-holders…

You will probably never look at your baps in the same way again.  And neither will your other half, or your kid. They’re an amazing part of your body with an amazing function, and deserve respect god damn it! In fact, your whole body does, for bringing that gorgeous little creature into the world and feeding and supporting it…

But the nourishment doesn’t stop there…

Naps, Baps and Craps

Dear Me Then,

Remember when naps were something you did on holiday before going out to get really wasted on sangria? 

Or later on when naps were an essential part of pregnancy, slotted in after work on that cushy sofa? 

Ah, how that word can change.  Depending on what is going on in your little one’s life, that three letter word can conjure up feelings of complete dread and horror, or ultimate bliss.  

In the start when they are tiny, babies seem to sleep all the time. It’s amazing, how can they be asleep so much and yet so demanding? Then as they get bigger and it’s required of you to build some kind of “routine” (that’s another word I now despise) it becomes a battle of “yes you will sleep”, “waa I don’t wanna”, “but I need to make dinner”, “but I’m a baby, waa” and so on. 

So there’s this hectic period of ooh a year or so? when you’re never sure when they are going to sleep, when they will be awake, when they will be tired and when they will be hyper. So if you want to stay sane, CHILL THE FUCK OUT.  It’s hard but try to chill. It’s a challenge when you’re trying to be organised, but the fact is, the world revolves around that little bugger, and if you forgo a peaceful nap at home for that all essential trip to Sainsburys, man will you pay.

You might be all confused when the books all tell you that you will recognise the “signs of tiredness” in your baby. I just about recognise them now, but seriously, when you are sleep-deprived and nutrient-deprived and all kinds of hormonal, you might miss a few things. Plus, some babies (mentioning no names) are really weird and decide that even though they are exhausted they are still going to lap their cot 5 times, hit Gloworm in the face a bit, then sing to him, then throw their dummy out of the cot, demand it back LOUDLY, then sing a little bit more before dropping off in a “downward dog” pose. How is that looking tired?

A routine never stays that. Just as you get into the swing of something they always throw you a curveball. Those few days/weeks when your routine is predictable though, are PRAISE THE LORD AMAZING. When you know exactly how long she’s going to be asleep, and exactly what you can achieve in that time, oh the joy! Chances are you’ll have a list as long as your arm of things to do during that nap, but please, please, the first thing you must always do is have a cup of tea. Oh yeah, tea. Bring that right on. You might want to ease off the cakes now your kid is nearing one and you still look pregnant though. Just a thought.

OK, that was naps. Baps and Craps next week.

Boiler Suit at the ready...Weaning!

I am nowhere near even finished with this, or properly experienced, or any kind of expert, but so far this is what I have learnt about weaning.

If you’re the kind of person who gets upset about mess (I know you aren’t, Nic) then you’d better get over it, pronto.  There will be mess, lots of it, and often. All you can do is laugh, sigh, and clean up.  I remember saying to a more experienced mum how I was quite excited about weaning, how I thought it was going to be so much fun experimenting.  It is!  BUT, there are days when I’ve changed my outfit and the Duck’s three times, hoovered every nook and cranny twice, wiped various surfaces constantly and have all sorts in my hair… when locking myself in a cupboard seems a really attractive option.

Don’t get me started on all the lovingly prepared batches of homemade grub I rustle up in about 3 hours… there is a rule that states, the longer you take to prepare food for your child, the more likely they will reject it in a dramatic hurl across the room, or equally dramatic hurl from the stomach if you’re less lucky.

Along with this goes the “Oh my Gawd is my baby eating enough? What if she starves?” fear.  I get it sometimes, and it’s REALLY scary when they don’t drink.  Keep in touch with the doctors on that one.  But sometimes they will go through phases of “I lurve pasta so much Mummy I think I will eat just that forever and ever” and then “Mummy this pasta tastes like crap get it out of my face right now RIGHT NOOOOWWWW”!   

My mum calmed me down when I was having a freak out by telling me about her similar panic when I was a baby.  Apparently all I would eat was one particular flavour of baby food,  for breakfast, lunch, dinner, I would only eat this one thing.  Mum was worried I wasn’t getting all my nutrients so asked the health visitor what on earth she could do. The health visitor looked at me (strapping, sturdy and chubster come to mind) and said “Just look at her, do you think she’s suffering?”

So now, if the Duck only wants to eat crackers for tea, or raisins for the day, I try to relax and think “fine.” I do believe kids pick up on your feelings too, so if I start freaking out, she’s only going to do it more.  Just like saying “No” when she touches plug sockets or people’s specs makes her instantly addicted to the bloody things. 

By the way plastic bibs with sleeves are AWESOME. And those pelicanny ones. And I really am gutted that I haven’t constructed some kind of overall for myself yet… We were discussing at the weekend a potential “Dexter” homage to prepare the room for Duck feeding time, but maybe that’s taking it too far…

It is fun though, really!  The Duck is so open to trying everything (even cardboard and yoghurt pots it seems) and it’s so rewarding to see her managing food on her own.  Some popular finger foods in our house at the moment (tell me more!):

·         Whole boiled carrots

·         Flapjack

·         Mini-muffins baked by Emily!

·         Mini corn and tinned sweetcorn 

Take tons of photos and videos if you can, it’s hilarious.  My current cheer up video is one of the Duck being scared shitless of a boiled egg. Brilliant.

It’s work but not as you know it. The dreaded return to your JOB.

WORK.

Like you haven’t been doing it for the last year.  Carrying an irregular-shaped ton around in your abdomen while the little dear bounces on your bladder and makes you feel oh so sick but oh so hungry at the same time.  But eating the tiniest thing makes you full. And I’m not going to go into the other pregnancy things because they still make me shudder…

Then that DAY when you’re in constant pain for 24 hours before the poor wee creature is ripped out of you in the most horrendous, undignified way possible (this may just be you, Nic, I’m sure other people DO have “orgasmic births”, oh wow did you see that elephant zoom past the window..?). I can say this now as my friend has had her baby, a boy, yay! But anyway, back to the point.  So yeah, not a great time before the blighter enters your life, and then you go without sleep for roughly six months (at least) and your existence then becomes some kind of hell/ joy dichotomy. At three in the morning I ALWAYS think back to my Psychology degree days and how I’m pretty sure there was a study showing that sleep-deprived rats died. They DIED.  And that is how it feels, a bit like you’re going to DIE of exhaustion.  I’m sorry but I told you before I was honest didn’t I?  But somehow, mummies have evolved to stay alive, they just feel and look like shit all the time instead, and if anyone is unfortunate (or stupid) enough to cross them, well, they ain’t gonna be offered a lovely cup of tea are they??

Digressing, but speaking of cups of tea, there is NO WAY people should EVER expect a mum of a baby under 6 months to make one.  I made MANY cups of tea in the first few weeks of having the Duck, and now I just think WWHHHHHHAAAATTTT??? To be fair I doubt it even resembled tea, the state I was in, but come on.  Poor woman just had to go through all of that and now lives like a zombie, compelled to smile at well-wishers, so if you’re going to visit you can make your damn cuppa yourself! I vow to myself and all of my friends right here and now I will NEVER let you make a cup of tea in my presence when you have a small one.  

This is sounding a tad like a moan, but I feel I must be honest with you Nic.  You’re not going to have a gentle, hippy, transcendent birth in a pool of lurve with whales chatting blissfully in the background. I can’t explain the first few weeks of having Little ‘Un because you won’t get it until you do it.  

ANYWAY, back to the original subject, back to work!  Yes, you have been working really hard all these months, but now comes the time to wear a few hats.  It’s scary because it seems like there is so much to organise and so many tasks to juggle.  There are, but I promise you will be FINE.  Honestly, (and I think we can determine I’m honest…) it is FINE.

After a few days back you will stop being quite so crazy, you have to let go and try to trust that the caregiver knows what they’re doing.  Try to limit calls if you must call to once a day, and know that they can contact you if they need to.  Saying that, I don’t have a boring desk job or access to a phone at work so maybe it’s easy for me to keep busy and distracted.  I think in a way, it’s good to work because then you can talk to more adults and be something other than Mummy.  As much as you love being Mummy, it’s nice to have your other skills appreciated.  Some people claim being a stay-at-home-mum is boring.  I don’t see how that is possible unless you have no imagination and do nothing with your kids.  But still, I think working part-time helps keep me a bit rounded.  Yes, yes, the cakes keep me rounded too, ha fucking ha.  

You do have to be a bit of a hard-ass when leaving your kids to go to work.  It might sound obvious Nic, as I know you’ve been on the receiving end of parents who linger for an hour seemingly to MAKE little Jimmy cry before they leave, just so they know he’ll miss them. You kiss them goodbye and leave.  No song and dance or everyone gets upset. You KNOW that as soon as you’re gone they will be merrily playing in the sandpit as if you never existed. It’s good for them to be independent! Kids who go to nursery cope better with school too.

I’m not an advocate of going back to work really early by the way, not at all, and if you don’t have to that is AWESOME. But lots of us need to, and a year is an ok time I reckon. Like I say, it IS work having a baby, just not as you know it.  So you need time to do your child-rearing job effectively and get everyone in the house settled and into a routine.  I HATE HATE HATE that Katie Apprentice woman who bangs on about how she has had 3 kids and only 5 weeks off for maternity leave in total.  I mean, why have kids? Really?  I don’t see how she can be thinking about their welfare AT ALL.  I could slate that stupid, obnoxious, fame-hungry cow all day but I think that’ll do. What an arsehole. Oops.

Ok so we’ve established that being a mum IS work, but at some point you may also have to do a job to bring in some dough. And that will be fine, because after long months of eating nothing but pasta bake and sprouting potatoes, and wearing maternity clothes (yeah it’s not just because nothing fits) and eeking out the remnants of your make-up drawer to cover those ever-expanding eye bags, having that first pay packet in your grubby paws will feel OH SO SWEET.  Yeah, it has to go on baby food and a new load of bibs or whatever… but if you’re very lucky and very cheeky you might even swipe some of it for a brand new pair of knickers.  Or a mascara.  Or a BOTTLE OF WINE. Winner. Ahh the possibilities are endless Nic, go, GO AND SPEND!

Holidays!

We’re back from a lovely holiday and have learnt a few things from our last couple of trips with the Duck, so here you go! 

• Have a stash of dummies and toys in the car 
• Take some snacks which may distract/ keep them busy, but which won’t stain or stick to everything (we like ricecakes bestest, apple flavour seems least colourful)
• You can NEVER have too many baby wipes
• Have a few tubes of kiddy sun lotion in various places (car/ lodgings/ changing bag) and just get in habit of putting it on first thing even if it doesn’t look particularly sunny. It will save the hassle later. Unless you’re in the highlands of bonny Scotland and it’s snowing or somethin'
• You can also never have enough sandwich bags.  Sooooo many uses including dummy storage, dirty bib/clothes container, snack holder, spillage avoider...
• A walker or playpen are really handy if you have the space to transport (travel cot can double as a playpen if Little ‘un is not as fussy as the Duck
• If you find your Duck is bored of the few toys you take, or you don’t take enough, you can always grab a few extras in a local charity shop! I have a feeling I’ll be using this at various ages!
• You can never have enough t-shirts/ clothes in general
• When babies are playing in the sand on the beach for the first time, dummies can be really useful... :)
• Even if you make up your milk, having a ready made carton in your change bag at all times can be a life saver
• We tried to pack light (this is fairly impossible with a baby) and only took our one foldy changing mat in the changing bag. Just take another one so a change station is always ready… We learn from our mistakes...
• If you’re going to be going on lots of day trips, try to let the Duck have at least one proper, undisturbed nap in a cot (rather than in car/ buggy etc)
• You can never have enough hand sanitiser gel stuff. Call us paranoid...
• The car boot is perfect for changing nappies!
• Remember if your baby is weaned they might like to sample the local farm produce too! ;)