Je suis MENTAL

Confession time. I’ve been harbouring a deep, dark and embarrassing secret. I think it’s a secret, although it could be plainly obvious for all I know.

Ever since my wee Duck was born, I’ve had post traumatic stress. WHAT? That’s right, no wars have I fought in, no car crashes have I suffered, nothing even close to “trauma” as far as I’m concerned. It’s ridiculous. 

What is not so ridiculous is the reliance on medication, pathetic fear of totally ordinary situations, avoidance of friends and the sporadic bouts of anger and sobbing. Not so funny. And quite embarrassing actually. And now the Duck is nearing two, I thought I’d better do something about it. So I am. 

Younger Nic, I wish you’d dealt with this earlier, but I can see why you couldn’t.  The thing is, the longer you let it go on, the more your happiness will dwindle, your holidays will be ruined, your relationships will suffer, your work will be marred, and your future will be decidedly wobbly.

My advice is to fess up to all of your pregnant/trying to be pregnant friends why you’re avoiding them, or why you’re short with them. And to not be so hard on yourself when you burst into tears at the news of a birth, when you shudder  then shout at your husband when driving past a hospital, and when you fiercely defend your choice to have an only child to well-meaning passers by.  

Then, enlist more help. The medication is all very well, but when that runs out you’re a fricking headcase!! Let’s try CBT. And a bit of honesty.

That. And find that bastard of an obstetrician and beat his head in with a shovel.

When they're sick

You would do anything to make them not sick.
I am lucky to have a generally healthy and hardy little girl, I like to think because I keep my house so dirty, she has a good immune system (you believe me, right?) She has hardly ever been ill, and even then it's something totally random like she rubbed playdough into her eye and got conjuctivitis.

This time I couldn't recognise what was wrong with her, and it is SO scary. Her personality totally changed, she was clingy instead of independent, lethargic instead of bouncing off the walls. Instead of eating us out of house and home, she refused everything, and her round little belly disappeared. We couldn't make her warm enough, we couldn't make her cool enough. She wouldn't drink, she wouldn't take any medicine. She cried. A lot. Like continuously through the night. And she doesn't really cry. She just wanted to be hugged and hugged, and to sob. And then she came out in a rash from head to toe which had me wondering whether to dial 999.

Fricking scary.

It was only a virus. Jesus, I haven't slept properly for about a month. I need to go on that 10 Years Younger program.

ANYWAY, I'm meant to be informing you, younger Nic, and teaching you about mummyhood. I don't think anyone would react any other way to be honest, maybe now I'll be slightly less scared of a rash, but I doubt it will ever stop being heart-stoppingly worrying. She's my one and only little speckled egg, and thank goodness she's back to crayoning the furniture and spitting her milk across the room... (seriously, I am loving it...for the moment).

Not my kid ^^

So yeah, a few thoughts:

• There WILL be a way to get the medicine in, DON'T panic.
• Don't wait, phone the doc/ hosp
• If they want to hug, it's probably a good sign.
• Get lots of fluids in.
• Be aware of temperatures/ clothing etc.
• Trust your instincts.
• Ask friends, I think I truly annoyed mine, but other mums do know a lot.
• It WILL pass.
• Love them lots.

I really hated this. Obviously. But I can't imagine what it must be like to have a properly ill child. One for whom any little cough can be life threatening. Or any change in temperature could cause a seizure. I can't even comprehend how parents cope when their child has a serious disease. And how do people manage in places without access to drugs and water, even for the minor ailments?

It's not a novel thought, but every now and then something happens which makes you very GRATEFUL, and very AWARE. And maybe a little bit guilty.

Whoa. All a bit serious for the Nicster. But that's the kinda mood I'm in! My mate is doing a sponsored swim for kids, here is her link https://www.justgiving.com/beccahwheeler so I'm just off to sponsor her, and then I'm going to pay http://www.gosh.org/gen/donate/dm-landing-pages/special-1/ a little visit too.
It would be cool if anyone reading this could do the same. I'm really not a preachy person though, so if you'd rather spend it on a new pair of selfish mean horrid shoes, then be my guest ;)

No matter how broke we think we are (right now we consider being in our overdraft to be a nightmare) sometimes it's just worth it. Be well, kids! x

What I'm learning from Peppa Pig

I was watching an episode of Peppa Pig with the Duck today, as you do.  It's actually the ONLY thing that will calm her down when she is crying hysterically, or puking... I remember not long ago being absolutely drenched  in sick, boiling hot child in my arms, but being so content that Peppa was on and the wailing had stopped.

Anyway, in this particular scene, Mummy Pig was working on the computer at home, and the kids came and harassed her, making the computer crash. Mummy Pig called Daddy Pig to fix the computer, and while she was downstairs making the dinner, Daddy Pig turned it off and on again then started playing games on it.

Can you see where I'm going with this?

I like Peppa Pig because it's realistic. There is some acceptance of mummies having to work, but Daddies still being the technical whizzes (!) or just calming the emotional dear down, and mummies still doing the domestic stuff, even though they have to do other non-domestic stuff... and also Peppa and George are REALLY quite annoying kids, which is also quite realistic. Little kids DO ask annoying questions, and DO cry over spilt milk, and DO tell it like it is (you have a fat belly Daddy Pig).

Bless him, Daddy Pig is never going to remember everything needed for a simple trip out with George, and Mummy Pig is never going to go up in the loft, but somehow it works.

I get the feeling that Peppa is going to be a shocking teenager, drunk, on the town with Susie Sheep at 13, and something tells me that George is going to be an emotional wreck, I imagine him as Ross from Friends, the paleontologist with domineering girlfriends. Perhaps my train of thought wanders a bit when I'm "watching tv" with the little 'un.

But hey, as long as we all fall over laughing at the end, it'll all be ok right?And we do that A LOT. :)

What annoys me is...

Ah the blog. When Facebook isn't enough.
What annoys me:

1. People who think being loud and gregarious makes you interesting.
2. People who think they are better than other people.
3. Pointless rules.
4. Time wastage.
5. Arse-licking.
6. Not saying sorry when you put someone else out.
7. Really bad spelling. A tyre puncher. REALLY???
8. exclusion in an inclusion zone.
9. People being martyrs.
10. Assuming. It makes an ASS mostly out of you.
11. Lack of listening skills.
12. Talking over people.
13. Thinking you're always right ( clearly I am)
14. People who believe everything they hear/ read.
15. People who give advice when it wasn't asked for ( oh shit I'm covering a lot of myself here) but specifically regarding child rearing.
16. Judgemental assholes.
17. Comments about weight.
18. Schools (and perhaps others) doing things purely for the money.
19. people "trying for a baby". Can you just keep that to yourself maybe? Ditto with being on your period, having a semi, needing a fart.
20. Slackers. If you want an easy life, go on the dole.

Pregnancy myths

I am no expert, I just have a reasonably sane head on my shoulders and the ability to question.
I hate talking about pregnancy, but the number of silly rules is making me say, Nic, pay no attention! It is possible for a woman to go through all 10 months (yes) without knowing she is expecting, and therefore not heeding any "advice".

Check it out for yourself, but you will find:

You can eat pretty much anything you would normally eat ( seafood, sushi, eggs, peanuts...). Unless you're a die-hard tuna fan or cheese rind addict you really should be fine!

You can sleep any way you can, even on your (gasp) back.

You can drink alcohol.

You can drink tea and coffee.

You can exercise.

You can dye your hair.

You can travel in a plane.

You can't do anything to avoid stretchmarks, you either get them or you don't.

There is only a 5% chance your baby will be born on the due date. Not really a myth, but ignore the due date. French pregnancies are 42 weeks. It'll come out when it's ready.

The one myth I think could be disputed as true is the whole "eating for two" thing. Heck, you've got to have SOME fun!! Go get some cake and chill the hell out.

So, when are you having the next one?

It’s not a contest people.  Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to keep going.

Let’s see how many people I can offend here… I will try not to judge (despite being an opinionated bitch) as I hope people try not to judge me. Ah who are we kidding, we all think we’re the best one.

Anyway, this post is inspired by those people who ask

“When are you having the next baby?”, “Oh you can’t have just one!”, “Oh you’ll be popping another one out soon”, “Are you pregnant again?”

JESUS H. CHRIST.

And this is just people on the street, or in the supermarket queue! People who don’t know me at all, and, if I’m honest, they’re giving a really stooopid appearance, a narrow view.  Because people who DO know me, know that having a baby was quite a fucking big deal, and “popping another one out” without a great deal of consideration just ain’t gonna happen.  I like to think people give it a bit more thought than that, that it’s not just “completing the family” or “so he has someone to play with”.  My family will be complete whatever it looks like, just like if we had never had kids, my husband and I are still family. Family is much bigger than kids.

Don’t get me wrong, I love children, I work with shitloads of them for god’s sake, BUT I believe they NEED a lot. They need all you can give. They are HARD WORK. And if you meet someone who thinks having kids is easy, can you send me their address please so I can shoot them in the face.

SORRY I’M A LITTLE BIT TETCHY AS I FEEL LIKE SHIT AND HAVE NOT SLEPT PROPERLY FOR APPROXIMATELY 4 DAYS. (disclaimer:this means nothing if you have a kid under 6mths)

Ahem. Anyway, I would actually love more, but I’m a realist. Unless it is acceptable to keep a baby in a wardrobe we actually have no room.  “What are bunk beds for?” people say… But I don’t want my kids to be squashed into a teeny house and not have room to be able to have friends to play! And people say you can move house, but not without a lot of debt, and I don’t want to be so stressed about money that I can’t get my kid a Peppa Pig magazine when she’s sick. I like those little extras. If she had an annoying little brother he’d be whining “what about meeeeeee?” and I’d have to cough up for a “Chuggington” comic as well and there’s nearly a tenner gone just with a few sniffles….

It’s not really about money.  But it is a bit.  I know you just cope when you have to.  But we’re a bit different, my bloke and I, and the thought of inter-railing through Europe with the Duck, showing her the randomness of life, is much more exciting to us than the thought of another sleepless year with a cute wee yoda. (this will never happen by the way, but we can dream)

Someone once said “Having two kids isn’t twice as hard, it’s three times as hard.”

I agree that siblings are good for kids, I wouldn’t change my childhood (or adulthood) with two sisters for the world, fucking hell we had so much fun!  But two very close friends of mine who were “only” also had AWESOME childhoods, they were/are not at all spoilt, in fact they are the most generous people I’ve ever met, and I think the view that only children are worse off is really outdated. 

I didn’t mean for this to be a rant, I’m just constantly surprised at how narrow-minded or assuming people are. And the continual assumption that I will soon be up the duff again, is nuts!  I ain’t sayin’ we’re not going to have any more, I just think it’s clearly a personal choice, everyone feels differently, and a LOT of thought should go into it. What have you got to offer another child? Who are you doing it for? Why? (e.g. I may be broody sometimes, or miss my bump, but that would be for me, what is the baby gaining in this situation?)

But you could say that about any baby.  And there’s a lotta babies born without much planning involved (I’m trying not to be hypocritical).

It’s the same when people get married, you shouldn’t talk about how now they can start a family, blah blah blah… how old-fashioned and narrow-minded is that? God I really hate tradition sometimes! And whenever I go to a wedding and it’s all about the future with kids, I cringe and can’t help but think you’re setting yourself up for a big old fall in the real world buddy.  Does no one realise anymore that kids don’t just “happen”?  I have never used the phrase “when I have children” (apart from maybe when I was 6) because I realise that it’s not a given.  It’s really bloody not.  It’s not something you can work at, or buy your way into, or pray for.  So many things can happen before a child is out there. It’s scary, but true.  And I’m talking even way back to your own childhood, to that first date, to your own health, who the hell knows.  You can’t take it for granted that you will have children. I am so grateful for my one, I didn’t dare believe it until she was born and marked out of ten and firmly in my arms.  I sure as hell ain’t counting on being lucky enough to have another one.

If we don’t have any more kids, and the Duck grows up to be spoilt, lonely and self-centred, I will consider myself to have done a bad parenting job.  It could happen.  But it could, and has, happened to kids with one or more siblings too.  At the various schools/ homes I have worked at, I must admit I have sometimes thought “why on earth do these people keep having kids?” but they must have their reasons, and it’s really not my business.

This article

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2002530-1,00.html

 is American and a bit old really, but discusses the myth of the “only child”, and raises the religious aspect of reproducing… Also outdated in my mind… but then I’m not religious.  And I find it MENTAL that people  in this day and age insist on a traditional wedding in a church and only have children after marriage (but sex before marriage is fine I notice) EVEN THOUGH they aren’t religious, and don’t uphold (stupid) religious values. It’s really quite weird, and so old fashioned.  You do also realise you don’t have to wear a white dress or wear a ring, right?  By the way I’ve been called a hippy before. Can you hear yourself?!

I think I’m mostly a bit of a plonker, but I’m quite an open-minded plonker, I want to learn more so I’m not so ignorant.  I wish other people did.

Anyway, I ain’t judging (too much), and perhaps this involves a smidge of jealousy, as we can’t do anymore reproducing, because having another baby would make our lives very difficult, whereas lots of people can just go and do it.

But to make myself feel better, and back up a less-common view, here are some pros to one child-ness, even if it’s only for a few years!

1)      Holidays should be easier

2)      A small car is plausible

3)      Lots of attention

4)      Their own room

5)      More leeway with pets because of parental guilt

6)      Same as above with gifts, food, love…

7)      Less arguments

8)      Less childcare costs/ hassles

9)      Easier to get babysitter

10   Peppa Pig magazines

11   Single buggy

12   More sleep

13   If you think about it, your partner could be viewed as another child?

14   No favourites

15   No hair pulling

16   Less presents to buy at Christmas

OK I’m losing the plot now, and realise I have contradicted myself, and made silly points, and am generally probably as narrow-minded as everyone else, but hey

We’re all a widdle bit lacist. (Avenue Q?)

I also blame the (prescribed) drugs.

And also it’s my blog and I’m queen of the WORLD.

Dear Nic,

I'm so proud of you.
It has taken a while but now I'm older and a tiny bit wiser, I can say that if you were a friend of mine I would give you the biggest hug and let you know that you have done amazingly.
You were up against it when that little 'un was born, you got so ill and feared for your life, and doctors you should have been able to trust totally screwed you over. You were a perfect mother to your newborn despite the chaos in your own body. Friends couldn't understand, and they left. You were so sad, and so lonely, but you never let your baby see it, and she is the happiest thing anyone has ever met. You pushed yourself to try new things, meet new people, and make your life happy again. You realised that you have to be kind to yourself.
Never worry about treating yourself and doing things you love.

You are happy! And I am so proud of you. x