Naps, Baps and Craps

Dear Me Then,

Remember when naps were something you did on holiday before going out to get really wasted on sangria? 

Or later on when naps were an essential part of pregnancy, slotted in after work on that cushy sofa? 

Ah, how that word can change.  Depending on what is going on in your little one’s life, that three letter word can conjure up feelings of complete dread and horror, or ultimate bliss.  

In the start when they are tiny, babies seem to sleep all the time. It’s amazing, how can they be asleep so much and yet so demanding? Then as they get bigger and it’s required of you to build some kind of “routine” (that’s another word I now despise) it becomes a battle of “yes you will sleep”, “waa I don’t wanna”, “but I need to make dinner”, “but I’m a baby, waa” and so on. 

So there’s this hectic period of ooh a year or so? when you’re never sure when they are going to sleep, when they will be awake, when they will be tired and when they will be hyper. So if you want to stay sane, CHILL THE FUCK OUT.  It’s hard but try to chill. It’s a challenge when you’re trying to be organised, but the fact is, the world revolves around that little bugger, and if you forgo a peaceful nap at home for that all essential trip to Sainsburys, man will you pay.

You might be all confused when the books all tell you that you will recognise the “signs of tiredness” in your baby. I just about recognise them now, but seriously, when you are sleep-deprived and nutrient-deprived and all kinds of hormonal, you might miss a few things. Plus, some babies (mentioning no names) are really weird and decide that even though they are exhausted they are still going to lap their cot 5 times, hit Gloworm in the face a bit, then sing to him, then throw their dummy out of the cot, demand it back LOUDLY, then sing a little bit more before dropping off in a “downward dog” pose. How is that looking tired?

A routine never stays that. Just as you get into the swing of something they always throw you a curveball. Those few days/weeks when your routine is predictable though, are PRAISE THE LORD AMAZING. When you know exactly how long she’s going to be asleep, and exactly what you can achieve in that time, oh the joy! Chances are you’ll have a list as long as your arm of things to do during that nap, but please, please, the first thing you must always do is have a cup of tea. Oh yeah, tea. Bring that right on. You might want to ease off the cakes now your kid is nearing one and you still look pregnant though. Just a thought.

OK, that was naps. Baps and Craps next week.

Boiler Suit at the ready...Weaning!

I am nowhere near even finished with this, or properly experienced, or any kind of expert, but so far this is what I have learnt about weaning.

If you’re the kind of person who gets upset about mess (I know you aren’t, Nic) then you’d better get over it, pronto.  There will be mess, lots of it, and often. All you can do is laugh, sigh, and clean up.  I remember saying to a more experienced mum how I was quite excited about weaning, how I thought it was going to be so much fun experimenting.  It is!  BUT, there are days when I’ve changed my outfit and the Duck’s three times, hoovered every nook and cranny twice, wiped various surfaces constantly and have all sorts in my hair… when locking myself in a cupboard seems a really attractive option.

Don’t get me started on all the lovingly prepared batches of homemade grub I rustle up in about 3 hours… there is a rule that states, the longer you take to prepare food for your child, the more likely they will reject it in a dramatic hurl across the room, or equally dramatic hurl from the stomach if you’re less lucky.

Along with this goes the “Oh my Gawd is my baby eating enough? What if she starves?” fear.  I get it sometimes, and it’s REALLY scary when they don’t drink.  Keep in touch with the doctors on that one.  But sometimes they will go through phases of “I lurve pasta so much Mummy I think I will eat just that forever and ever” and then “Mummy this pasta tastes like crap get it out of my face right now RIGHT NOOOOWWWW”!   

My mum calmed me down when I was having a freak out by telling me about her similar panic when I was a baby.  Apparently all I would eat was one particular flavour of baby food,  for breakfast, lunch, dinner, I would only eat this one thing.  Mum was worried I wasn’t getting all my nutrients so asked the health visitor what on earth she could do. The health visitor looked at me (strapping, sturdy and chubster come to mind) and said “Just look at her, do you think she’s suffering?”

So now, if the Duck only wants to eat crackers for tea, or raisins for the day, I try to relax and think “fine.” I do believe kids pick up on your feelings too, so if I start freaking out, she’s only going to do it more.  Just like saying “No” when she touches plug sockets or people’s specs makes her instantly addicted to the bloody things. 

By the way plastic bibs with sleeves are AWESOME. And those pelicanny ones. And I really am gutted that I haven’t constructed some kind of overall for myself yet… We were discussing at the weekend a potential “Dexter” homage to prepare the room for Duck feeding time, but maybe that’s taking it too far…

It is fun though, really!  The Duck is so open to trying everything (even cardboard and yoghurt pots it seems) and it’s so rewarding to see her managing food on her own.  Some popular finger foods in our house at the moment (tell me more!):

·         Whole boiled carrots

·         Flapjack

·         Mini-muffins baked by Emily!

·         Mini corn and tinned sweetcorn 

Take tons of photos and videos if you can, it’s hilarious.  My current cheer up video is one of the Duck being scared shitless of a boiled egg. Brilliant.

It’s work but not as you know it. The dreaded return to your JOB.

WORK.

Like you haven’t been doing it for the last year.  Carrying an irregular-shaped ton around in your abdomen while the little dear bounces on your bladder and makes you feel oh so sick but oh so hungry at the same time.  But eating the tiniest thing makes you full. And I’m not going to go into the other pregnancy things because they still make me shudder…

Then that DAY when you’re in constant pain for 24 hours before the poor wee creature is ripped out of you in the most horrendous, undignified way possible (this may just be you, Nic, I’m sure other people DO have “orgasmic births”, oh wow did you see that elephant zoom past the window..?). I can say this now as my friend has had her baby, a boy, yay! But anyway, back to the point.  So yeah, not a great time before the blighter enters your life, and then you go without sleep for roughly six months (at least) and your existence then becomes some kind of hell/ joy dichotomy. At three in the morning I ALWAYS think back to my Psychology degree days and how I’m pretty sure there was a study showing that sleep-deprived rats died. They DIED.  And that is how it feels, a bit like you’re going to DIE of exhaustion.  I’m sorry but I told you before I was honest didn’t I?  But somehow, mummies have evolved to stay alive, they just feel and look like shit all the time instead, and if anyone is unfortunate (or stupid) enough to cross them, well, they ain’t gonna be offered a lovely cup of tea are they??

Digressing, but speaking of cups of tea, there is NO WAY people should EVER expect a mum of a baby under 6 months to make one.  I made MANY cups of tea in the first few weeks of having the Duck, and now I just think WWHHHHHHAAAATTTT??? To be fair I doubt it even resembled tea, the state I was in, but come on.  Poor woman just had to go through all of that and now lives like a zombie, compelled to smile at well-wishers, so if you’re going to visit you can make your damn cuppa yourself! I vow to myself and all of my friends right here and now I will NEVER let you make a cup of tea in my presence when you have a small one.  

This is sounding a tad like a moan, but I feel I must be honest with you Nic.  You’re not going to have a gentle, hippy, transcendent birth in a pool of lurve with whales chatting blissfully in the background. I can’t explain the first few weeks of having Little ‘Un because you won’t get it until you do it.  

ANYWAY, back to the original subject, back to work!  Yes, you have been working really hard all these months, but now comes the time to wear a few hats.  It’s scary because it seems like there is so much to organise and so many tasks to juggle.  There are, but I promise you will be FINE.  Honestly, (and I think we can determine I’m honest…) it is FINE.

After a few days back you will stop being quite so crazy, you have to let go and try to trust that the caregiver knows what they’re doing.  Try to limit calls if you must call to once a day, and know that they can contact you if they need to.  Saying that, I don’t have a boring desk job or access to a phone at work so maybe it’s easy for me to keep busy and distracted.  I think in a way, it’s good to work because then you can talk to more adults and be something other than Mummy.  As much as you love being Mummy, it’s nice to have your other skills appreciated.  Some people claim being a stay-at-home-mum is boring.  I don’t see how that is possible unless you have no imagination and do nothing with your kids.  But still, I think working part-time helps keep me a bit rounded.  Yes, yes, the cakes keep me rounded too, ha fucking ha.  

You do have to be a bit of a hard-ass when leaving your kids to go to work.  It might sound obvious Nic, as I know you’ve been on the receiving end of parents who linger for an hour seemingly to MAKE little Jimmy cry before they leave, just so they know he’ll miss them. You kiss them goodbye and leave.  No song and dance or everyone gets upset. You KNOW that as soon as you’re gone they will be merrily playing in the sandpit as if you never existed. It’s good for them to be independent! Kids who go to nursery cope better with school too.

I’m not an advocate of going back to work really early by the way, not at all, and if you don’t have to that is AWESOME. But lots of us need to, and a year is an ok time I reckon. Like I say, it IS work having a baby, just not as you know it.  So you need time to do your child-rearing job effectively and get everyone in the house settled and into a routine.  I HATE HATE HATE that Katie Apprentice woman who bangs on about how she has had 3 kids and only 5 weeks off for maternity leave in total.  I mean, why have kids? Really?  I don’t see how she can be thinking about their welfare AT ALL.  I could slate that stupid, obnoxious, fame-hungry cow all day but I think that’ll do. What an arsehole. Oops.

Ok so we’ve established that being a mum IS work, but at some point you may also have to do a job to bring in some dough. And that will be fine, because after long months of eating nothing but pasta bake and sprouting potatoes, and wearing maternity clothes (yeah it’s not just because nothing fits) and eeking out the remnants of your make-up drawer to cover those ever-expanding eye bags, having that first pay packet in your grubby paws will feel OH SO SWEET.  Yeah, it has to go on baby food and a new load of bibs or whatever… but if you’re very lucky and very cheeky you might even swipe some of it for a brand new pair of knickers.  Or a mascara.  Or a BOTTLE OF WINE. Winner. Ahh the possibilities are endless Nic, go, GO AND SPEND!

Holidays!

We’re back from a lovely holiday and have learnt a few things from our last couple of trips with the Duck, so here you go! 

• Have a stash of dummies and toys in the car 
• Take some snacks which may distract/ keep them busy, but which won’t stain or stick to everything (we like ricecakes bestest, apple flavour seems least colourful)
• You can NEVER have too many baby wipes
• Have a few tubes of kiddy sun lotion in various places (car/ lodgings/ changing bag) and just get in habit of putting it on first thing even if it doesn’t look particularly sunny. It will save the hassle later. Unless you’re in the highlands of bonny Scotland and it’s snowing or somethin'
• You can also never have enough sandwich bags.  Sooooo many uses including dummy storage, dirty bib/clothes container, snack holder, spillage avoider...
• A walker or playpen are really handy if you have the space to transport (travel cot can double as a playpen if Little ‘un is not as fussy as the Duck
• If you find your Duck is bored of the few toys you take, or you don’t take enough, you can always grab a few extras in a local charity shop! I have a feeling I’ll be using this at various ages!
• You can never have enough t-shirts/ clothes in general
• When babies are playing in the sand on the beach for the first time, dummies can be really useful... :)
• Even if you make up your milk, having a ready made carton in your change bag at all times can be a life saver
• We tried to pack light (this is fairly impossible with a baby) and only took our one foldy changing mat in the changing bag. Just take another one so a change station is always ready… We learn from our mistakes...
• If you’re going to be going on lots of day trips, try to let the Duck have at least one proper, undisturbed nap in a cot (rather than in car/ buggy etc)
• You can never have enough hand sanitiser gel stuff. Call us paranoid...
• The car boot is perfect for changing nappies!
• Remember if your baby is weaned they might like to sample the local farm produce too! ;)

Internet Parenting

Ah, the internet… isn’t it great?  Without the internet how would I have googled “why have my nipples gone brown?” or “my baby is staring” or “postnatal crying”?? 

(For your info ‘future Nic’: All very normal, 1. Darken to provide contrast so your baby can find milk. 2. She’s trying to focus. 3. You will cry at everything for the rest of your life.)

I don’t know how people coped without the internet.  I’m guessing, though, that parents were MUCH less crazy back in the day.  Although it’s great to be able to look up every little thing, if you look up too much it can just end up worrying you more!  And if you’re the kind of person who looks up milestones and “normal” development, it may just totally freak you out and put you under pressure to make your baby achieve.  I’m not like this really - maybe because I work with kids with special needs so anything my luckily fully able baby can do is AMAZING to me. She’s clearly a genius!  Although I must admit I did worry slightly when everyone else’s babies seemed to be crawling before the Duck.  Yeah, those 24 hours felt like an age…

So don’t get too hung up on what the internet says, ok?  It is useful, but not half as reliable as common sense and real life doctors and health visitors.  I think it depends on your luck but my health visitor was great.  You can always guarantee a laugh (appalled laugh) from the ridiculous questions you find people have asked on the internet. When we thought the Duck had an ear infection, she smelt a lot like vinegar.  I still have no idea if that’s normal, but we had to type it in.  If you try it, you will find that other people have babies smelling of ‘metal’, ‘cheese’ and ‘maple syrup’ amongst others.  Some smelt of “vomit”.  Surely that one is a no-brainer?

And remember your INTUITION.  If you feel like something is not right, no one is going to blame you for checking it out with the medics, I was down at the walk-in with a fair few queries and I never got told off for wasting anyone’s time.  

I found signing up for weekly/monthly emails about baby development really useful (Bounty/Baby food companies etc – and Dad Info for the male in your life) because you’re so busy getting on with everything that sometimes you forget things (OK you forget EVERYTHING).  For example, emails served as timely reminders in our household that we needed to start thinking about solid food, or baby-proofing the house, or stocking up on teethers…

Second hand sites like eBay and Gumtree are also AWESOME for buying baby stuff, if you can’t get it free.  You really don’t need things for long at all so go cheap cheap cheap. 

One last thing, internet social sites make it really tempting to show off pictures of your baby at every opportunity. You can’t win. If you put too many on you’re a show off and baby-fanatic.  If you don’t put any on people assume your baby is damn ugly.  So do whatever you want!

Dummies

Dr. Dummy, Captain Von Pacifier, Percy Plug… Whoever invented that smart little piece of plastic is a HERO.  Most nights that’s all the Duck wants.  She’d choose it over a bottle, food, toys… a human, even.  (Perhaps slightly worrying.) I always said we’d wean her off it by the time she was one, as advised by all those experts, but as that age draws closer I really can’t see it happening.  She only really has it at bedtime though, so I think that’s ok.  

The argument against, I think, is from a speech therapist’s point of view.  How can they learn to talk properly with that in their gob all the time? It’s a good point, but I don’t think many people would let their kids have them constantly. And if they were the kind of parents that did that they might have more issues than simply dummy rationing… 

But MY argument is that if a baby’s brain is consolidating all that they have learnt in the day,  then surely it is far better that they have a peaceful night’s sleep sucking merrily away, than writhing around and trying to get comfortable all night.  I do agree they shouldn’t have them too much in the daytime.  But it is VERY easy for me to say that when the Duck is so young.  Nowhere near the terrible twos and all that, and when you’re in the queue at the post office and your kid won’t stop singing “yes, my name is Iggle Piiiiiiiggle…Iggle Piggle wiggle wiggle wiiiiiiiiii-GUUUUL” (as my husband now does) I bet they’re REALLY useful.

One tip I will impart, Nic, is don’t forget to get new, bigger dummies as your baby grows. When they’re too small they fall out and little D will wake up twice as often hunting for them! Get a nice big one so it is properly wedged in there. And I’ve heard those clips to stop the dummy getting lost are good, but if you have a particularly intrepid little explorer (read meddling fidget) then you may find they accidentally clip it on their bottom lip and create a minor bloodbath in the middle of Tesco.