Internet Parenting

Ah, the internet… isn’t it great?  Without the internet how would I have googled “why have my nipples gone brown?” or “my baby is staring” or “postnatal crying”?? 

(For your info ‘future Nic’: All very normal, 1. Darken to provide contrast so your baby can find milk. 2. She’s trying to focus. 3. You will cry at everything for the rest of your life.)

I don’t know how people coped without the internet.  I’m guessing, though, that parents were MUCH less crazy back in the day.  Although it’s great to be able to look up every little thing, if you look up too much it can just end up worrying you more!  And if you’re the kind of person who looks up milestones and “normal” development, it may just totally freak you out and put you under pressure to make your baby achieve.  I’m not like this really - maybe because I work with kids with special needs so anything my luckily fully able baby can do is AMAZING to me. She’s clearly a genius!  Although I must admit I did worry slightly when everyone else’s babies seemed to be crawling before the Duck.  Yeah, those 24 hours felt like an age…

So don’t get too hung up on what the internet says, ok?  It is useful, but not half as reliable as common sense and real life doctors and health visitors.  I think it depends on your luck but my health visitor was great.  You can always guarantee a laugh (appalled laugh) from the ridiculous questions you find people have asked on the internet. When we thought the Duck had an ear infection, she smelt a lot like vinegar.  I still have no idea if that’s normal, but we had to type it in.  If you try it, you will find that other people have babies smelling of ‘metal’, ‘cheese’ and ‘maple syrup’ amongst others.  Some smelt of “vomit”.  Surely that one is a no-brainer?

And remember your INTUITION.  If you feel like something is not right, no one is going to blame you for checking it out with the medics, I was down at the walk-in with a fair few queries and I never got told off for wasting anyone’s time.  

I found signing up for weekly/monthly emails about baby development really useful (Bounty/Baby food companies etc – and Dad Info for the male in your life) because you’re so busy getting on with everything that sometimes you forget things (OK you forget EVERYTHING).  For example, emails served as timely reminders in our household that we needed to start thinking about solid food, or baby-proofing the house, or stocking up on teethers…

Second hand sites like eBay and Gumtree are also AWESOME for buying baby stuff, if you can’t get it free.  You really don’t need things for long at all so go cheap cheap cheap. 

One last thing, internet social sites make it really tempting to show off pictures of your baby at every opportunity. You can’t win. If you put too many on you’re a show off and baby-fanatic.  If you don’t put any on people assume your baby is damn ugly.  So do whatever you want!

Dummies

Dr. Dummy, Captain Von Pacifier, Percy Plug… Whoever invented that smart little piece of plastic is a HERO.  Most nights that’s all the Duck wants.  She’d choose it over a bottle, food, toys… a human, even.  (Perhaps slightly worrying.) I always said we’d wean her off it by the time she was one, as advised by all those experts, but as that age draws closer I really can’t see it happening.  She only really has it at bedtime though, so I think that’s ok.  

The argument against, I think, is from a speech therapist’s point of view.  How can they learn to talk properly with that in their gob all the time? It’s a good point, but I don’t think many people would let their kids have them constantly. And if they were the kind of parents that did that they might have more issues than simply dummy rationing… 

But MY argument is that if a baby’s brain is consolidating all that they have learnt in the day,  then surely it is far better that they have a peaceful night’s sleep sucking merrily away, than writhing around and trying to get comfortable all night.  I do agree they shouldn’t have them too much in the daytime.  But it is VERY easy for me to say that when the Duck is so young.  Nowhere near the terrible twos and all that, and when you’re in the queue at the post office and your kid won’t stop singing “yes, my name is Iggle Piiiiiiiggle…Iggle Piggle wiggle wiggle wiiiiiiiiii-GUUUUL” (as my husband now does) I bet they’re REALLY useful.

One tip I will impart, Nic, is don’t forget to get new, bigger dummies as your baby grows. When they’re too small they fall out and little D will wake up twice as often hunting for them! Get a nice big one so it is properly wedged in there. And I’ve heard those clips to stop the dummy getting lost are good, but if you have a particularly intrepid little explorer (read meddling fidget) then you may find they accidentally clip it on their bottom lip and create a minor bloodbath in the middle of Tesco.

Tippy Toes:

• Sometimes a 5 minute break is all you need. Turn the baby monitor off, sit down, and think of something else. Everything will seem so much better.
• If it doesn't, get someone else to take over for an hour. Noone will mind at all, and they won't think badly of you AT ALL. You're going through some shit, and if you were still at work you'd at least get a lunch break, love.
• Children's TV is really good these days. It's educational. They make the evening programmes all relaxing and everything.
• You do not have to bathe your baby every day. How would they get dirty? And do you WANT them to have eczema? Until they're on solids. Then 10 times a day should suffice.
• Your baby can be raised however you like. That's the cool thing about it being yours.
• Every day you will love that little thing more. Try not to be scared. 
• It is never too soon to babyproof your home.
• Don't neglect the cat. When she is hiding under the cot every bedtime, and snuggling up to teddies and baby blankets, take the hint.
• I may have already said this. But do whatever makes you happy when you can. If that means shoving a doughnut in your face at 3 am, go for it! You need the frigging energy and you deserve it!

Will you be my fwend?

Dear Me back then, 

Wow, I bet you never thought you’d have to make new friends.  

Remember that social awkwardness when you moved schools and you had the wrong school jumper and a boy’s haircut and were taller than anyone in the WORLD?  You thought that was behind you didn’t you? Well I’m afraid in the first few weeks after your little ‘un is born, quite despite the fact that you’re walking like John Wayne, you feel like a giant leaky udder and have no clothes which don’t make you look like a droopy ball sack, this is actually quite an important time for forging new relationships.

It’s tempting to retreat into the mess that is your home at the moment, but don’t! You’ve got to get out there and meet other poor bedraggled mummies, for your sanity! 

You don’t know it yet, but some of the friends you have had for many years may suddenly be lost, just like the specs that drop off your nose as you flush the loo (mum).  I won’t go into why, Nic, but my other advice is to maybe just slope off quietly if your offspring-less friends bang on about being tired. TIRED.  It will annoy the crap out of you, but just leave them to it.  All in good time Nicola, all in good time. 

Just disappear gracefully and invest your time in new friendships where people will “get” you. That’s right; you’re going to have to enrol in Mummy club.  You’re probably going to meet a fair few duds, who really do ONLY talk about babies, but keep trying, and you’ll find those other gangster mummies who couldn’t give a flying fuck about how you’re SUPPOSED to wean.  Don’t be worried about looking like a loser when you invite new people out, you can bet that they feel just as out of their depth as you.  And when you all admit to each other that you don’t have a fricking clue how to do up a nappy so that poo doesn’t squelch all the way up Junior’s back (I’m talking up to the neck here) it’s a pretty cool moment.

Buggy Etiquette

Yeah, this doesn’t exist.

It’s a buggy eat buggy world, plough into or be ploughed upon.  I used to be one of those people who said “What makes parents think that they own the road?  I deserve some pavement too!” but Oh, I have been turned. Well kind of.

If you don’t make room for an oncoming buggy with a precious little bundle in it, that must mean you are a devil-worshipping, baby-killing, no-morals family-hater. In mummy-brains, there is nothing more important than a small dependent child, and they need the pavement much more than you.  Hell, not only that, but imagine, you’re steering the thing with one carpal tunnelled hand (you get that when preggers you know), have bags of shopping cutting into the other hand, you’re so sleep deprived and malnourished that you can’t actually see, and some young leisure centre attendant can’t be arsed to move out of the way because he might scuff his patent lime converses and not be able to wear them to “Bodypopping class” tonight. Oh for fuck’s sake.

Oops, sounded a bit old then. But you catch my drift. I have crossed over to the other side, and to quote the inimitable Louis CK, “if you don’t have kids, it doesn’t really matter if you die. Your mum might cry, blah blah blah, but really, it doesn’t matter.” Or something like that.

Ok I’m not really THAT bitter, but it is a hell of a lot easier for a person to move if they DON’T have a buggy. Just like you give way to lorries on hills and all that bollocks. 

Starting to sound a bit like my cynical other half now so I might enlighten you (younger, smoother skinned Nic) on the more fun side of buggies!

    

•  You can carry loads of crap everywhere, yay! Except actually you need lots of crap everywhere, so Boo.
• You can hide behind it.
• You get sexy security guards following you because of your stunning good looks (or extra capacity to thieve?)
• Your baby will love to nap in it so you get some peace. Until that old lady from down the road decides to “walk with you” and admire your “little boy’s lovely pink dress".
• If you bought a second hand one, you get to whip your battered buggy out of the boot and erect it in seconds, while your mate across the car park with the new-fangled spangled mango pushchair pulls various muscles and gets a black eye from the complicated, stiff new mechanism.

I used “erect” and “stiff” in the same sentence. Which brings me to my final point, just because you have a baby, does not mean you automatically grow up. Well, you grow up in the sense that you have MAHOOOOOOSIVE responsibilities, but you might regress in other ways.  So yeah, we’ve been known to let the buggy go down a hill to see how fast it goes…

Just one last thing Nic, maybe take the baby out first…

Tippity Snips

• Unless you're super-rich, buy everything second hand (apart from car seat and cot mattress) They are finished with everything so quickly.
• Babygros are the way forward, screw all those fiddly outfits! (you may have to put up with judgemental looks...)
• Don't put masses of thought into planning the birth. Be open-minded.
• Breastfeeding is lovely, but if it doesn't work out there are many benefits to formula, and it doesn't make you evil! No guilt please.
• Take TONS of photos
• It's impossible to be tidy. Boxes in each room at least allow the mess to be contained...
• Get lots of rechargeable batteries (toys, monitors etc)
• It feels like noone has a clue what you're going through. They don't, get used to it. Be kind to yourself.
• Don't bother with an expensive posh changing bag (unless someone wants to buy you one), a rucksack is cheaper, easier and nicer for the bloke to carry...
• Let "helpful" comments fly over your head. Nod and thank people, then do whatever you want to do.
• TRY to remember that cavewomen did this with no super-duper chrome plated self folding pushchairs, reclining mega comfort bath seat, bedtime lavender massage potions, amazing stretch mark miracle oils or Dr. Whoopsy's strict ABC plan of sleep and poop. So you probably can too.

Not another mummy blog?

NO! Well, kind of.

I was speaking to a friend of mine the other day whose first baby is due soon. My "Duck" is 9 months old now, and the amount of information and advice I could impart astounded me.  Really, I remember exactly how it felt this time last year, and I knew NOTHING. My husband knew NOTHING. Between us, we really had no clue what we were in for. And I don't think anyone does.

Anyway, with your friends you can be totally honest, and I received fab advice from a friend when I was pregnant, and I hope I can do the same for other new mums, but really, wouldn't you just love to talk to the future YOU and just ask for explanations in your very own words?
After all, everyone else is irritating. Especially when you're 10 months pregnant (yes, 10! people can't count), feel like shit, and people just lurrrrrrve to comment on how fat you are (seriously, when is that EVER appropriate?).
And people get even more irritating when you have the little blighter. You actually don't know what sleep is, you are crapping yourself about every nappy and every feed, positive that this little human is going to die on you, and the "support network" around you start going on about "losing that baby weight" and going back to work. If you get through the first six months without swearing at anyone....Well....Fuck.

So I thought I'd write a blog now, to myself back then. The Nic back then who was freaked out, hormonal, emotional, confused, terrified, and without a fricking clue. If anyone else gains from it, that'd be cool. I'll probably swear a bit, and will definitely be opinionated. But hey, I'm talking to myself, right?